ON BEING SICK

I can feel my hands, my wrists and my back all ache in harmony… for a few seconds they ache together, like a loud orchestra which you cannot choose to ignore. And then they hurt separately, creating waves of pain and distress…. By back and my waist create a new area of sovereignty on their own” “you cannot choose to make us feel well” they shout. They don’t know that lack of pain is mostly health for the self. So long as I do not feel this all encompassing and moving kind of pain, I could remain convinced that I would be ok.

But what is this that I am feeling? Is it ok to name it as merely a side-effect to the covid vaccination I have just had? I wish I knew how other people felt… whether they could be mobile and have happy and active lives despite getting the vaccination. How much would it take for me to get back on my feet? And how come I have a fever that keeps rising hours later? It’s strange… It feels like the body is a country only a single person inhabits; and there are no means of communication. Would I describe my pain in the same way as somebody else? If we do not describe it at all, would all these pains scattered around in different bodies disappear all together? I hope that they are friends, in a way.

I will continue to reflect on my face which feels like its burning… It’s an absolute fireplace. Without getting the chance to worry about my looks, I would be stopped from doing anything nice or healthy just by the feeling the vaccination has caused all around my body. I wish that bodies were less hidden, less troubled socially. It does not just mean physicality in gendered terms. It’s so much more than that… But the means of equal communication today escape me.